A Retrospective on Being Married
I grew up in Jamaica, and I was fortunate to experience family-friendly inclusive hotels during my childhood, such as Franklin D. Resort. These trips were filled with countless memories — playing pool, enjoying thrilling water slides, and one particularly unforgettable experience: my first attempt at canoeing.
In those initial moments, I found myself rowing the canoe on just one side, making no headway at all. It was a valuable lesson in understanding that for the canoe to move forward, I needed to use alternate strokes. Soon, I teamed up with my sister, and we quickly grasped that success depended on each person’s commitment to rowing on their designated side. It struck me that this experience beautifully mirrors the dynamics of marriage — a partnership where coordinated efforts, shared responsibilities, and synchronized progress are the keys to a fulfilling journey together.
I married my best friend in November 2023 after an arduous wedding planning experience. We made it through to the other side, but I had initially assumed it would be seamless given that we’d spent the past five-plus years together. However, I was mistaken. Marriage has proven to be a different experience, primarily because we’re now living together and building our lives around each other.
It’s been more challenging than I anticipated, and I’d like to share my experiences with you. It’s no leisurely paddle down a calm river.
Learning someone new
Learning someone new has been akin to navigating uncharted waters for me. In recent months, acquiring new skills has proven to be quite the challenge. The whirlwind of changes, from work demands to the commitments of marriage and constructing a home, heightened my anxiety. This, in turn, affected my capacity to absorb and process new information, making the learning process difficult. Gradually, I noticed that these challenges began to affect my marriage life. Turbulent waters threatened to destabilize our canoe.
After living alone, particularly during the pandemic, I became entrenched in my own routines. I’d wake up, have the same breakfast, log in for work, repeat familiar activities, and face the challenge of limited face-to-face interactions. Unbeknownst to me, I had unwittingly steered myself into a mental rut — a stagnant, unvarying course.
My familiar living routine didn’t smoothly transition when I began living with my wife full-time. Marriage demanded that I adapt to a new way of life, one that involved not just coexisting but truly learning to live with someone and understanding how they navigate a shared home.
Emerging from the rut I had found myself in, I had to rediscover how to learn anew — a journey akin to finding our way in uncharted waters. It was a challenging endeavor. I had forgotten that learning new things often entails making mistakes and accumulating experiences, a lesson we tend to overlook as adults. It was a humbling realization to reacquaint myself with this process, but it was a necessary voyage for me to become a more understanding and skilled first mate in our marital canoe.
To be honest, I don’t believe I’ve fully unraveled or recovered from the mental toll the pandemic took on me, but I’m now acutely aware of it. It’s as if I’m comparing my present mental state to the calm waters before the storm, a pre-pandemic era. But I’m thankful that I learned this lesson early in our marriage, and I’m even more grateful that I married someone with the patience of Job to navigate these uncharted waters with me.
Navigating the Waters of Work and Personal Life
Balancing work and personal life is akin to navigating the currents of a river with varying tempos and terrains. It’s a challenge many of us face, and it brings to mind a captivating series I’ve been watching on Apple TV called Severance. This show takes the concept of separating work life from personal life to an extreme level.
Without giving away too much of the plot, the series follows the protagonist’s dual existence: a soul-sucking corporate job during the day and a personal life marked by struggles with depression and loss during the night. In this fictional world, employees’ memories are encapsulated by their environment. When they are at work, their knowledge is confined to the workplace, and once they leave, they have no recollection of what transpired at the office.
The parallels between this extreme scenario and our daily lives are striking. While we may not have our memories compartmentalized in such a dramatic way, the challenge of maintaining a healthy work-life balance and preserving our personal well-being is a journey we all must navigate in our shared marital canoe.
In reality, I find myself afflicted by the opposite challenge: the struggle to establish clear boundaries between work and personal life. As an engineer, the majority of my work resides within the confines of my mind. When I’m immersed in a problem, it tends to linger long after I’ve logged off from work.
My mind tirelessly wrestles with these challenges, persistently seeking solutions. It’s a double-edged sword — a boon and a curse. It’s a blessing when I stumble upon a breakthrough during an ordinary moment, like in the middle of a shower. Yet, it can be a disaster when I lose hours, consumed by my own thoughts, neglecting mindfulness and presence in the present moment, as if I’m drifting aimlessly in a vast sea of ideas.
I failed to notice this issue during the pandemic when my home seamlessly transformed into my office, further blurring the already hazy boundaries between work and life. Unconsciously, I found myself lost in my own thoughts — a quirk not too concerning when you live alone, but it became a glaring issue once I began living with my wife.
After the workday’s end, I often resembled a somnambulist, mindlessly going through the motions, engaging in activities I couldn’t recall doing and having one-sided conversations with myself. I was absent, physically present but mentally adrift, caught in the relentless current of work-related problems. The stress and anxiety I felt over my perceived incompetence in my new job, along with the constant dread of failure and the possibility of being laid off, weighed heavily on my mind.
In a marriage, we’re co-captains navigating the ship of life together. The comfort of having a partner by your side is undeniable. However, it’s akin to sailing a ship with a non-responsive co-captain — it’s destined to veer off-course. Our love boat was indeed drifting.
I remained utterly oblivious and detached from the situation, drifting further from the course of our relationship. It took one of her concerned friends to jolt me back to reality — a much-needed wake-up call. I suddenly realized that if I allowed this pattern to persist, I risked losing not only my best friend but also my partner, my co-captain in this journey of life.
Life’s challenges are formidable enough when faced alone, but it doesn’t serve the purpose of a marriage for either party to feel as if they’re alone or burdened with the weight of another. In such a scenario, one might indeed be better off navigating their life’s waters solo. I was resolute in my refusal to become an anchor, holding us back from the harmonious voyage our marriage should be.
The following week, I mustered the courage to have a vulnerable conversation with my manager and some teammates about my situation. To my relief, they were understanding, and I was granted a sabbatical from work. I count myself fortunate and immensely grateful that the organization recognized and supported my need for time to recalibrate.
Yet, when it comes down to it, if I ever find myself having to choose between my work and my wife, there’s no hesitation — I would choose my wife without a second thought.
During the sabbatical, I allowed myself the space to breathe, to rest mentally, and to adjust to my new role as a husband and the responsibilities of building a home together. It was a period of intentional reflection, where I made a conscious effort to be fully present and mindful in my daily life. I committed myself to being engaged, curious, and open to learning, determined not to simply coast through life on autopilot.
The past few months have been among the most challenging experiences of my life: adjusting to a new job, navigating the intricacies of wedding planning, tying the knot, supporting my family’s business, and forging a life with my wife. Through it all, I’ve rediscovered the art of learning and continue to do so with each passing day. I’m also in the process of learning how to be fully present, establishing healthy boundaries, and embracing each step of the journey.
I’m not naïve to the fact that this journey will have its twists and turns, its rapids and gentle spots. However, I’m immensely grateful to have a partner by my side, ready to navigate these waters of life together. With her unwavering support, I’m confident in our ability to stay the course, weathering whatever challenges come our way and embracing the joys that lie ahead.
